Welcome. I'm either insainly depressed or hyper!

Sometimes i want to cut and i decide i will, but never move to find the right tool. This only happens when i hear about it and miss the rush. I quit 2 years ago and had 4 relapses… well, moments of weakness which isn’t bad. It’s still a part of me. Addictions WILL always be there. I never think about the people around me because its not up to them to tell me what i should and shouldn’t do. This is my battle. No one elses. Beat my ass. I don’t care. I stopped for myself because it was getting old and i was sick of hiding it and hear people bitch. Now, thankfully i didn’t, but i had to write a song about everything i used to think while cutting and draw a slitted up arm, but it stopped the withdrawal. I kept busy through my ‘please please please’ nagging. Now, i must stop, because if i talk to much about it my withdrawals start up again. Byeee.

I’m far from any normal girl.
I am sad, depressed, angry, happy, joyful, rambuncious. I am a rebel, a goody to shoes. I can be your best friend or the biggest bitch. I will always put others weights on my shoulders, simply because if they trust me i want to help them, whether its a helping hand or a helping ear. You may be afraid to tell me, for fear of stressing me out, but i will always be this way. By not telling me i stress that i’m not a good friend, by telling me i worry, but am glad you confide in me. I am simply a good person with emotional struggles. Don’t hate me, but if you do, oh well. That’s your problem.

She lived in a beautiful new world with her ex step mother and her husband. but, emo’s world still wasn’t all rainbows and unicorns. Her grandpa died january 6th. she watched him die for 4 days n the hospital after coding. During this time she mainly watched her younger siblings but she still got to go. She watched her mamaw cry for the 1st time when they were alone. It meant something to her. A bonded weld that would never be broken. Emo also had a long distance relationship but saw him once a month. They are engaged and are planning their wedding for sep 16 2013. she misses her friends dearly. especially both her alexis’s, nick nick, garrett, chris, and well all of them. i only have 2 real friends on tumblr. i miss u both all the time. Nick, i wish you would some how talk to me or at least talk to me 2 tell me you dont want 2 talk to me. I miss you, so much. Alexis, i miss your smiling face & i want u to know that i’m over him. 10 months & i dont care abt him. thank u for listening and being a true friend

Dear mom,

suck my dick.

Yell yell yell. scream scream scream.

“Can you make dinner?” “Sure I’m only an emotional wreak!” *Cooks dinner for everyone but herself* “there is no meat.”

Oh my fucking bad, omg the world will end for the fat ass cuz I made no meat… awww poor fat ass…. Suck my dick. Make somethin for yourself.

“Oh hey guess what? Your step brother is dead!” 

Cry my eyes out for days 

“You’ve never stopped complaining about getting a tattoo for 5 years. This is just an excuse.”

Suck my dick mom.

“You haven’t seen him in 2 years and you haven’t seen him much in your whole life!”
SUCK MY DICK. I’ve known him since I was 6. He was my big brother! The only reason I haven’t seen him in 2 years is cuz you wouldn’t let me because you had to bitch at his mom over the stupidest shit!

“Mom, I can’t concentrate at all. I tried but I just can’t can I please stay home? The school excuses people if a family member has died… and I just can’t….” “No! The school doesn’t do it for stepbrothers!” 

Yell yell yell…. scream….scream….scream…..

Dylan was sweet, kind, funny, and the best big brother ever. He made me laugh more then anyone I have ever known. If I was depressed I could count on him to make me laugh. I don’t care if I just saw him every summer from 6-12 years of age, 5 years of spring break, and 3 years of winter… I don’t give a fuck… he was MY BROTHER 2! WHY DON’T YOU GET THAT!? I’M HURT, ANGRY, DEPRESSED, AND UPSET. MY BROTHER WAS TAKEN AWAY FROM ME AND MY REAL FAMILY!!!! WHY DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND!? 

“Your making this all about you….”

I SURE AS HELL AM AREN’T I!? I MOSTLY CRY ALONE AND TRY TO HIDE WHEN PEOPLE ARE NEAR. I ONLY CRY TO NEAL WHEN HE SHOWS UP AND FUCKING LISTENS!!! I’M MAKING THIS ABOUT ME!? FUCK YOU!!!!!! I HATE YOU… AFTER YOU PULL THIS SHIT ON ME!? AFTER YOU YELL AT ME AND TELL ME YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT ANYONE IN THE FUCKING HOUSE!? YOUR MAKING MY LIFE HELL AGAIN! ALL I WANT TO DO IS BE WITH MY REAL FAMILY. THE ONES WHO ARE CRYING UP IN INDIANA WITH ME. THOSE ARE MY FAMILY. NOT YOU. I DON’T KNOW WHO THE HELL YOU ARE. YOUR JUST SOME BITCH WHO LIKES TO CAUSE ME EVER MORE PAIN….Just fuck you mom…. fuck you….

Dylan’s funeral is this Saturday. Going up there thursday after school I think. I’ll be back sunday night… Getting a tat in memory of him… god I miss him. 

It seems like just yesterday I was with you in the Livingroom while you growled and protected your “babies” (stuffed animals) and you pushed over anyone who came near…. it seems like just yesterday when you told us the joke about Hannah’s (My sister) cat attacking your face and used the stuffed one to demonstrate. It seems like just yesterday when Hannah and I camped out in our backyard for 5 hours waiting for you to get up the mountain and wave at us and when you came back and described how you fell off the mountain…. Its not fair… out of all the people in the world… why my big brother? Why did he have to die…. He was so funny and crazy and full of life. He was starting a new job monday and getting married. He was turning 20 this year… 20! …. DD if your up there in heaven…. if it really exists…. I want you to know I love you so much and that you shouldn’t have left. I missed you a few weeks ago and now I miss you more then ever… I wish you were ok… and I wish I could remember hugging you and telling you I loved you… I hope the letter telling you I looked up to you and admired you ment something…. I love you Dylan…. I wish you were still with us… The funeral next weekend will be so hard. Good bye big brother… I’ll miss you so much.

I’m buring everything… Starting with one of the pictures? Or the letters? I haven’t decided yet… and i’m ending it with the picture you gave me that makes me smile… I can’t keep this shit anymore, weather its for a novel or not… I can’t bear looking at it… Fuck you.

Ask away… :D http://formspring.me/1moon101

Yeah I miss you so bad it fuckin hurts…. am I really doing much about it? No. I ask you some questions about some medicine and you answer but when I ask how you are do you answer? No. You say you wanted a hug yesterday when we were talking but said you might cry. I ask why… you say your emotional… just because… Guess what? It worries the shit out of me. I was always here for you and my heart longs to be here for you now. I miss you… I want to come back… I don’t know if I will… I wish someone would snap me out of this….

And the hug I ended up giving you? Guess what? I felt safer then I have in over a month. All because of you.

Ask away… :D http://formspring.me/1moon101